I was given the gift of a mother awakened to her own beauty and in awe of her womb. She loved her period every month. She showed me the beauty of my vulva and the name for every part and that no one was ever allowed to touch it if I didn’t want them to.
She reveled in her matronly thickness and never dieted to my knowledge. Quite the feat in the 80s
She has passed this on to me. Our bodies are identical. Thick thighs, wide hips, soft bodies that hang off the bone.
At 44 I’m thicker than I have been in decades. I bought new pants and trust my body is doing exactly what it needs to. My son falls into the pockets and folds of me with love of the safety he feels in my arms.
My husband can’t keep his hands off my curves.
I am so grateful for this legacy my mama has created. What a gift to love ourselves and be loved in all our squishy glory.
The other day we went to the closest spring fed creek to swim. The activity that makes me feel most like myself, and which calms me (and my children-maybe all children?) like no other. I have thankfully moved past the stage of life where I would not let my hair or face get wet lest my mascara run or my heat-styled hair lose it’s shape. I let the water be water and my body be my body within it.
While driving home though, my 12 year old asked me to take my photo. It was definitely golden hour and the sun was hitting my face just right and she told me I “looked like a sun princess”. Obviously such a sweet moment. When I looked at the photo later though, all I see is my soft jawline that I worry about constantly, my overbite, the circles under my eyes that seem to be there perpetually now, the wrinkle on my forehead that I’m convinced only came to be within the last few weeks, and the grey coming in at my temple. I actually felt physically sick looking at it.
Sometimes it feels so hard to reconcile these things-what my children (and also my husband and friends) tell me about what they think of me-the way I feel and look-and what I see myself. Your reframing of what matters and whose opinion holds the most value here is very helpful.
It is our responsibility to come to terms with the bodies we have and their ever-evolving roles and states, I feel very strongly about this. I also grapple with it daily. Thank you for this perspective to add to my little closet of weaponry for utilizing in that grappling😂
This made me cry. I love your writing. My mom and grandma were the same, always dieting, always talking about their big “gross” butts and thighs, but I never once noticed or cared. I just wanted to be close to them. I don’t have kids and am struggling with the changes at 47, but also sliding into an acceptance. I went to the Korean spa earlier this week and it was just so beautiful to see all of us women, naked, squishy, round, thin, voluptuous, and just beautiful. We are all flawed and so beautiful. I just used beautiful three times in a row, but leaving it!
I remember being little and thinking my mom was the most beautiful person in the word. Like you had mentioned Amber, I felt she was a goddess and till the day she died three years ago I considered her rounded and aged body to be something like Gaia incarnate. The world is what I’ve always felt. My mother felt like the world. Earthen, round, strong and grounded and she was my world.
I now feel with my one year old an understanding that she will see me this way. What a blessing to experience being seen through your child’s eyes.
My four-year-old is absolutely obsessed with my body. She literally fights my husband off of me so she can give me hugs and kisses if she catches us doing just that. "Group hug!" She yelled followed by, "Daddy go away!" Every day she grabs me all over with as much self control as she can muster, and says, through gritted teeth and with big eyes, "Squish, squish SQUISSSSHHHH!" It's been one of my favorite mothering experiences to be so loved in every way - especially since I've had a lot of health issues since her birth. Her intense love of my entire self really helps to balance things out, and I'm sure it is a crucial component of the healing process. We are still very much connected, after all. Beautiful post, Amber. Thank you for speaking to this concept of true body love through the eyes of children, and I really appreciated the question you posed about why this narrative is still present within our psyches when we know the culture who created it is unwell. That really hits.
Everyday Rose who is a little over 2.5yrs old asks to see my boobies and they put a smile on her face and give her so much comfort even though we haven’t nursed in almost a year. I also remember as a child being in awe of my mother’s naked body. Thank you for this article 🌸
I love this so much. I remember when my youngest would come put a hand in my armpit and knead the fat there for a sense of safety every time he cuddled up to me.
I remember trying to make dinner with him clinging to my side with his fist “squishing” as he called it. I can’t speak to his experience, and I certainly don’t remember my mother’s body being available to me, but I do know that those little moments are woven into my sense of appreciation for all that my body has given me and my children. Not to mention 8 years of breastfeeding!
Amber, this piece is pure gold. My favorite of yours that I have ever read. Growing up and still now I have witnessed my mother disliking her body, and I have always felt that the only thing unattractive was the dislike itself. I notice in myself and others, it’s not the shape or size of us that is the beauty, but the radiance of our unimpeded beingness, the love, nourishment, care…and without a doubt, self-love which fills us from the inside.
My 2.5 yr old and I just weaned a few weeks ago 😪 I didn’t think he could be more obsessed with my boobs but the commentary is now constant haha. It goes something like “see booby…wow there’s a tiny booby there! (funny how just a few weeeks ago it was “huge booby there!” 😂) So soft…snuggle booby” and that’s where he falls asleep. 🥰 My richest most comforting memory of my mom from when I was little is always how I would lay in her lap my head against her soft round belly listening to the place that once housed me, it was my safest place.
I love this and have been thinking the same. When my 2 year old runs up and hugs me, she has no idea, nor does she care about the baby weight I put on ! She just loves me for me and for the love I give her. Same with my mommy who I love to hug and squeeze tight. Also a mom in my 40’s am accepting my changing body and grateful to have the opportunity to age and change, as not everyone does.
This is truly beautiful. I have carried shame about my body since becoming a mother, but reading this is a reminder that I need to be gentler and more compassionate towards myself. Growing up with a mother who was deeply insecure about her weight, influenced by her own mother's beauty standards used as a weapon even against her own daughters, I recognize where my self-doubt stems from. Now, I am determined to break this destructive cycle. I refuse to let my daughter witness the self-hatred that plagued my mother and in turn, me as I grew up with it. Your post has touched me deeply, and I am grateful for the reminder to show myself the kindness and love that I and all mothers deserve. Thank you.
I was given the gift of a mother awakened to her own beauty and in awe of her womb. She loved her period every month. She showed me the beauty of my vulva and the name for every part and that no one was ever allowed to touch it if I didn’t want them to.
She reveled in her matronly thickness and never dieted to my knowledge. Quite the feat in the 80s
She has passed this on to me. Our bodies are identical. Thick thighs, wide hips, soft bodies that hang off the bone.
At 44 I’m thicker than I have been in decades. I bought new pants and trust my body is doing exactly what it needs to. My son falls into the pockets and folds of me with love of the safety he feels in my arms.
My husband can’t keep his hands off my curves.
I am so grateful for this legacy my mama has created. What a gift to love ourselves and be loved in all our squishy glory.
Chills of joy reading this. May all mothers be able to give and receive this gift!
The other day we went to the closest spring fed creek to swim. The activity that makes me feel most like myself, and which calms me (and my children-maybe all children?) like no other. I have thankfully moved past the stage of life where I would not let my hair or face get wet lest my mascara run or my heat-styled hair lose it’s shape. I let the water be water and my body be my body within it.
While driving home though, my 12 year old asked me to take my photo. It was definitely golden hour and the sun was hitting my face just right and she told me I “looked like a sun princess”. Obviously such a sweet moment. When I looked at the photo later though, all I see is my soft jawline that I worry about constantly, my overbite, the circles under my eyes that seem to be there perpetually now, the wrinkle on my forehead that I’m convinced only came to be within the last few weeks, and the grey coming in at my temple. I actually felt physically sick looking at it.
Sometimes it feels so hard to reconcile these things-what my children (and also my husband and friends) tell me about what they think of me-the way I feel and look-and what I see myself. Your reframing of what matters and whose opinion holds the most value here is very helpful.
It is our responsibility to come to terms with the bodies we have and their ever-evolving roles and states, I feel very strongly about this. I also grapple with it daily. Thank you for this perspective to add to my little closet of weaponry for utilizing in that grappling😂
“maybe it is her birth
which she holds close to herself
or her death
which is just as inseparable
and the white wind
that encircles her is a part
just as the blue sky
hanging in turquoise from her neck
oh woman
remember who you are
woman
it is the whole earth”
-Joy Harjo
As always, thank you.
This made me cry. I love your writing. My mom and grandma were the same, always dieting, always talking about their big “gross” butts and thighs, but I never once noticed or cared. I just wanted to be close to them. I don’t have kids and am struggling with the changes at 47, but also sliding into an acceptance. I went to the Korean spa earlier this week and it was just so beautiful to see all of us women, naked, squishy, round, thin, voluptuous, and just beautiful. We are all flawed and so beautiful. I just used beautiful three times in a row, but leaving it!
I remember being little and thinking my mom was the most beautiful person in the word. Like you had mentioned Amber, I felt she was a goddess and till the day she died three years ago I considered her rounded and aged body to be something like Gaia incarnate. The world is what I’ve always felt. My mother felt like the world. Earthen, round, strong and grounded and she was my world.
I now feel with my one year old an understanding that she will see me this way. What a blessing to experience being seen through your child’s eyes.
"My mother felt like the world." Beautiful. So beautiful.
My four-year-old is absolutely obsessed with my body. She literally fights my husband off of me so she can give me hugs and kisses if she catches us doing just that. "Group hug!" She yelled followed by, "Daddy go away!" Every day she grabs me all over with as much self control as she can muster, and says, through gritted teeth and with big eyes, "Squish, squish SQUISSSSHHHH!" It's been one of my favorite mothering experiences to be so loved in every way - especially since I've had a lot of health issues since her birth. Her intense love of my entire self really helps to balance things out, and I'm sure it is a crucial component of the healing process. We are still very much connected, after all. Beautiful post, Amber. Thank you for speaking to this concept of true body love through the eyes of children, and I really appreciated the question you posed about why this narrative is still present within our psyches when we know the culture who created it is unwell. That really hits.
Everyday Rose who is a little over 2.5yrs old asks to see my boobies and they put a smile on her face and give her so much comfort even though we haven’t nursed in almost a year. I also remember as a child being in awe of my mother’s naked body. Thank you for this article 🌸
I love this so much. I remember when my youngest would come put a hand in my armpit and knead the fat there for a sense of safety every time he cuddled up to me.
I remember trying to make dinner with him clinging to my side with his fist “squishing” as he called it. I can’t speak to his experience, and I certainly don’t remember my mother’s body being available to me, but I do know that those little moments are woven into my sense of appreciation for all that my body has given me and my children. Not to mention 8 years of breastfeeding!
This post is stunningly beautiful. Thank you for putting into words the love and safety I have felt when nestled against my mother.🩷😭
I need to read this 100 times today.
Amber, this piece is pure gold. My favorite of yours that I have ever read. Growing up and still now I have witnessed my mother disliking her body, and I have always felt that the only thing unattractive was the dislike itself. I notice in myself and others, it’s not the shape or size of us that is the beauty, but the radiance of our unimpeded beingness, the love, nourishment, care…and without a doubt, self-love which fills us from the inside.
My 2.5 yr old and I just weaned a few weeks ago 😪 I didn’t think he could be more obsessed with my boobs but the commentary is now constant haha. It goes something like “see booby…wow there’s a tiny booby there! (funny how just a few weeeks ago it was “huge booby there!” 😂) So soft…snuggle booby” and that’s where he falls asleep. 🥰 My richest most comforting memory of my mom from when I was little is always how I would lay in her lap my head against her soft round belly listening to the place that once housed me, it was my safest place.
This made me tear up really good and my Heart just about exploded...beautifully worded and feeling every 'squishy' detail!
I love this and have been thinking the same. When my 2 year old runs up and hugs me, she has no idea, nor does she care about the baby weight I put on ! She just loves me for me and for the love I give her. Same with my mommy who I love to hug and squeeze tight. Also a mom in my 40’s am accepting my changing body and grateful to have the opportunity to age and change, as not everyone does.
Thank you. I feel so much permission in this.
This is truly beautiful. I have carried shame about my body since becoming a mother, but reading this is a reminder that I need to be gentler and more compassionate towards myself. Growing up with a mother who was deeply insecure about her weight, influenced by her own mother's beauty standards used as a weapon even against her own daughters, I recognize where my self-doubt stems from. Now, I am determined to break this destructive cycle. I refuse to let my daughter witness the self-hatred that plagued my mother and in turn, me as I grew up with it. Your post has touched me deeply, and I am grateful for the reminder to show myself the kindness and love that I and all mothers deserve. Thank you.